Monday, 8 April 2013

Fuck You

2nd last day of work. Boss is being extremely nasty to me. Am trying not to cry. All I want to do is shout at him what a total idiot he is and everyone knows it. But I am taking the high road and not playing his games nor buying into his negative old fashioned sexist attitude. I am young, intelligent and have the whole world at my feet, he is nothing but a blimp on the radar of my life. I had a crappy boss once before and I never think about him now. I just need to survive for another day then I am free.

Monday, 1 April 2013

Oh the Places You'll Go

Months ago, just before we broke up, Paul bought me a book - Oh the Places you'll go by Dr Seuss. It inspires me and I read it every time I get bogged down in life. Oh The Place's You'll Go Dr Seuss Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away! You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go. You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care. About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there." With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town. It's opener there in the wide open air. Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too. OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights. You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest. Except when you don' t Because, sometimes, you won't. I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true and Hang-ups can happen to you. You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch. You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump. And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done. You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win? And IF you go in, should you turn left or right... or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind. You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place... ...for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting. Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting. NO! That's not for you! Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you're that kind of a guy! Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. there are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV. Except when they don't. Because, sometimes, they won't. I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too. Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you. All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. But on you will go though the weather be foul On you will go though your enemies prowl On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike and I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are. You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.) KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS! So... be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way!

Sunday, 3 March 2013

the list

I have been very down lately due to my job stressing me out. I just moved into an office with my boss and its hell. I am also struggling with lessons plans for my tefl so I asked Paul who did teaching at uni. He did help but then we had sex. I honestly enjoyed it but I shouldnt use him to make myself feel better. but I have been using the list of things I am looking forward to, to make myself feel positive. The list: never seeing or hearing my boss again being able to look nice in a bikini travelling to china not having to deal with questions about Paul finishing my manuscript finishing my masters having the chance to have a fresh start

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

dear paul p3

Hi Paul, seeing as you may be reading this blog let me describe how I am feeling after resigning my job. I am so scared I am going to end up poor and hungry again like I was as a kid. I am also missing the intimacy we shared like crazy as I never had anyone hug or care for me ever. I have been ignoring this need and going into shutdown mode where I walk around like a zombie and not care because of how much I am hurting from losing you and from the frustration of being bullied by my boss. except today I had a teary at ork because I saw a stupid meme on facebook about 'wanting to sleep in his arms all night' and I lost it. Because all I want is everything to be okay. But its going to take time.

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Dear Paul prt 2

How dare you call yourself superior to me? Especially when I just lost my fucking job. You are an insensitive prick who thinks he is god because he is a fourth generation country bumpkin and therefore everyone knows him in this town. Wanna know something? You are nothing but a big fish in a small pond. You keep telling me I'm such a horrible listener but I don't need to listen to you. You will never find anyone who makes you happy because you're so up yourself you can't see your own flaws - that you think you're ALWAYS right, that you're so smart and that you're just this amazing person. And you can be an amazing person but you're unbelievablely self involved - it is always about what YOUR doing, not what I was going through. I made a choice around 8 months ago to come here and be with you. I don't regret it because now I know what a relationship feels like. We had a real one for a while but you've gone off your rocker because you do that to ALL of your girlfriends. Surprisingly, none of them seem to want to admit you exist. But I'm not them, I'll still be polite and talk to you but I am never letting you hurt me again. You're not the guy for me. Thank god. Because the idea of living here and having your babies just makes me sick/laugh and cry all at the same time.

Monday, 18 February 2013

Rock Bottom

I am about to hit rock bottom as I have just been told I am most likely to lose my job. I cried for a bit, then realised I was crying about failing at a job I hated. And then I stopped, got back to work and thought about my plans for China. I need to be in the country until May but I could possibly get the dole or ausstudy as I can study full time. Or I can go live out at a pub in the middle of nowhere as I know the owner. This is an opportunity - I am never taking a job like this again, I will only do a job I really want and not just for the money.

Sunday, 17 February 2013


There is a scene in HBO TV Series Girls where Hannah and shoshanna discuss what their 'baggage' would be for the tv show (google it if you're not aware of it_ and it got me thinking about what my own baggage is: Little Piece: I judge people who have children young unfairly. Medium Piece: I pick my nose and eat it Large Piece: I was raped when I was 18 by a friend's ex boyfriend.