Want help

I have seen many counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists and psychics (okay only one psychic) to look for help in depression. It honestly isn't like going to a doctor for a prescription. Having a good support network of health professionals can really move along treatment.

The first counselor I had was the free one at the university. He was nice but he was for short term problems and was so booked I could hardly ever see him more than once a month. For someone with bad depression they need constant treatment.

So then I went to a psychiatrist who asked me strange questioned and creeped me out.

I then found a great clinical psychologist who I saw for almost three years. Sometimes I'd go for months without seeing him because he pushed me so hard emotionally. The funny thing is he is the person who has most help me with depression and moving forward.

But then I moved from the city I was living in and moved to a very small town with limited options. I currently see a counselor who's very nice but doesn't push me the way I need to improve. So for now my treatment is on hold in terms of therapy. Paul does psychoanalyse me too but he's not a professional. He does push me by showing how patterns of behaviour result in most of my problems.

I do want to get professional help again as I am a long way from being able to cope with day to day life. Sometimes I get anxious and can't move. Sometimes I am sad over stupid things. I am getting better but the urge to hurt myself sometimes is so strong having someone to explain it to who is detached from the situation would be helpful.

If I could go back in time to talk to my 17 year old self

I keep having dreams about going back in time to being in high school (FYI: 2003 - 2007) and panicking because I need Paul but he doesn't know who I am (despite living in the same town our whole lives we never crossed paths until last year when my best friend introduced him/thrust him in my general direction).

Then I wake up thinking about if I spoke to my seventeen old self would I warn her of all the horrid things to come? At that point in time I had years of negligent parents but that emotional abuse wouldn't surface until I left home and started drinking heavily. Would I warn myself that my best male friend would end up punching me while I was drunk (more than once)? Would I tell her not to talk to my friend's boyfriend ever as he will rape me? Would I tell her not to live with that guy from work because he and his sister are on drugs?

Or would I tell her about Paul? And how I did achieve everything she thinks she is going to do? Travel, get a degree, be a writer etc.

I don't know if I would try to change my life as all these things made me the person I am today.

Or would I just tell her to get help for depression ASAP instead of drinking?

The Simple Things That Make Me Smile

Trying to get through each day is very hard right now - so I am making a list of all the small things that make my day:

The Simple Things That Make Me Smile:

• Smoked Salmon
• Wind blowing my hair
• Smell of rain
• Bad 90's pop songs (spice girls especially)
• Having a clean kitchen
• Watermelon
• Wearing no pants
• Waking up in bed with Paul
• Sleeping in
• Smell of fresh bread
• That fresh feeling you get when you've just dried yourself after a shower
• fluffy soft towels
• Soft clean sheets
• Just finishing an intense workout
• Pop Rocks
• Bad Television (gossip girl and teen mom are my favourites)
• Iced Tea
• Freshly painted toenails
• Singing loudly in the car
• The beach - sound of waves, sand under my feet

 My ultimate dream is to live close enough to the beach to be able to hear the waves, smell the salt and walk on the sand everyday. For now I just enjoy sitting on my veranda and having the wind blow against me. 

Bad Day

I woke up this morning and couldn't get out of bed. I was so upset and depressed and just wanted to sleep all day. So I did. Paul is calling me telling me to snap out of it and that I just need to be positive so I got the shits with him and told him to stop. Telling a depressed person to 'just think positive' is almost the same as telling a person who's homeless to 'get a job'. It ignores all the underlying issues and simplifies the issue. Wednesday I was just having period blues. Today I seriously had depression. I woke up and cried and couldn't get up. It sucked but it happens. Paul is panicking a bit but as I keep telling him sometimes it happens. This week its happening because a. I am hormonal and b. I am in the middle of a huge upheaval and its messing with me. I really hope tomorrow is better.

I am the worst comfort eater

I am feeling pretty low today and feeling very tired. However I don't comfort eat like a normal person, like today for example I was craving sweet food but instead of getting chocolate like a normal person I ate milo without milk and museli. Yeah I know.

When I am craving salty chips I eat baked potatoes or olives. yep you read that right. One day I was so stressed I went and sat in bed and ate a jar of olives.

I am feeling low because I feel bloated and my skin is breaking out. However Paul is confusing my body problems and low mood for a depressive episode. However I know the difference. When I am having an episode I don't eat, I have no motivation to do anything and I cry at the sight of myself in the mirror. Today I was just tired and feeling run down and also feeling hormonal. Yet I went to work and have started packing for moving. I am getting there, everyone has off days and this is normal. The feeling is different. I used to panic everytime I had a negative feeling but my doctor explained it was normal.

Good Things

Finally saw Paul after three weeks and he has told me to use my blog to write the goods things that happen at least once a week.

In the past week the following good things have happened:

• Got to see Paul
• Got to go to head office for training with all expenses paid for food, fuel and accomodation 
• Got my Vietnamese Visa
• Have my new house all organised

In the next month I have to look forward to:

•  Moving House
• Going to my best friends 21st Birthday as Snow White
• Going to Vietnam with Paul

 

Can you die from isolation?

I have not seen Paul in almost a month or any other friends for that matter. I cant trust anyone where I live right now so I feel extremely isolated. I honestly feel constantly paranoid & on guard. It is ehausting and painful. Can I die from this?

Beyond Caring

After being so overwhelmed by life for the past few weeks I have reached the point of not caring. I am sick of eating, it requires too much effort. i hate the sight of food, I don't want to go to work - what is the damn point? All i want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. no i am not sleep deprived, I get my 8 hours a night. i just find sleep a refuge from the world. it turns my overactive mind off for a bit. i need to get out of here. i need to find something to be passionate about again.

Trust

Have you ever felt you couldn't trust anyone? That you're surrounded by judgmental people? I currently and working and living in a situation where that is happening. I am carrying the secret of being a former suicide risk and having days when I am ready to harm myself. But I can't tell anyone. I have no one I can trust. I don't want to face the judgment of these people. I have my partner Paul but he lives 2 hours away which is making life hard.

My trust in people has been shattered by a succession of terrible friends. Friends I forgave because I was afraid of being alone. But then exactly a year ago I realized that these people weren't worth it and rather than be alone I tried to kill myself. This was my third serious attempt. I ended up in psych lockdown and I faked being regretful to be released. I ended up getting stuck with the very people I tried to escape as they were worried about my safety.

I kept working and studying with the quiet determination to kill myself when people least expected it. Then three great things happened: I met my wonderful partner Paul, I graduated from a four year arts degree majoring in communication and I got a job in my field in a rural town.

I thought it was what I needed, closer to Paul, getting away from the city and all the bad people. Except now instead of just feeling like I am alone now I am physically alone.

I guess I expected people in a small town to be friendly and that I would make friends quickly. Except everyone knows each other, is related or are suspicious of new people. I am already on the outside and because of trust issues I have already accepted I will never fit in.

I sometimes wonder if I will able to trust and have close good friends again. Right now I don't think it is possible.

Introduction

My name is Abigail Whitely and I have had depression for almost ten years of my life - which is almost half of my life. This blog was inspired by my beautiful partner who asked me to write something positive each day however I am gonna take it a step further. I wanna show how much of a struggle it is to try and 'recover' from depression. I went completely untreated until the age of 18 when I started going on antidepressants. However I needed more than that and since then I have been going through major changes and life has gotten easier but there is no quick fix.

I don't express my feelings well. I am hiding behind a pseudonym but everything is true. This is my feelings. This is completely real. Every single thought.