Monday, 13 February 2012

Trust

Have you ever felt you couldn't trust anyone? That you're surrounded by judgmental people? I currently and working and living in a situation where that is happening. I am carrying the secret of being a former suicide risk and having days when I am ready to harm myself. But I can't tell anyone. I have no one I can trust. I don't want to face the judgment of these people. I have my partner Paul but he lives 2 hours away which is making life hard.

My trust in people has been shattered by a succession of terrible friends. Friends I forgave because I was afraid of being alone. But then exactly a year ago I realized that these people weren't worth it and rather than be alone I tried to kill myself. This was my third serious attempt. I ended up in psych lockdown and I faked being regretful to be released. I ended up getting stuck with the very people I tried to escape as they were worried about my safety.

I kept working and studying with the quiet determination to kill myself when people least expected it. Then three great things happened: I met my wonderful partner Paul, I graduated from a four year arts degree majoring in communication and I got a job in my field in a rural town.

I thought it was what I needed, closer to Paul, getting away from the city and all the bad people. Except now instead of just feeling like I am alone now I am physically alone.

I guess I expected people in a small town to be friendly and that I would make friends quickly. Except everyone knows each other, is related or are suspicious of new people. I am already on the outside and because of trust issues I have already accepted I will never fit in.

I sometimes wonder if I will able to trust and have close good friends again. Right now I don't think it is possible.

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