Sunday 26 August 2012

Frustration

I went to the doctor a month ago to get a referral to a psychologist and they told me his receptionist would. call me in a week to make an appointment. I waited two weeks then called them to see what was going on. They se was boooked until October. So I asked if I could get a referall to another psychologist and they said they only do it for their in-house guy. I have finally made the huge step to get help and I get slapped by this. Honestly I am okay to wait but the last time this happened to me I was 18 and suicidal. I made the appointment 4 weeks in advance like they told.me then I showed up to be told that the appointment had been double booked and I couldn't see the psychologist for another six weeks. I made another appointment, walked out to the chemist, bought sleeping pills and went home and tried to kill myself. Being told you need to wait is horrible especially if you have tried every other avenue of help. It's rough. If I had succeeded that night in killing myself would the doctors surgery be responsible for refusing me help? It's hard as hospitals only provide emergency care. If you're not suicidal your help is limited as you're poor, depressed and have to wait. It's frustrating.

Friday 17 August 2012

Dickheads

I have had a rather bad week. Basically I've been doing two people's jobs at work but this week my supervisor started and I was excited to push off a load of work. Except when I met him I realised he was a douche bag who had 'forty years of experience in the industry (ie. he worked in the SAME place for forty years as his own boss) so he's full of himself and basically walked into the place and told me to 'fuck off I'm the boss'. After four days of passive agressive struggle he called me into his office and dressed me down badly which as someone with very little self confidence in anything else but my job was horrible. I walked out, sped home crying hysterically almost running my car off the road twice and going home and crying it out. Paul came home and told me that I should look on the positive that: a) I basically am now being paid very well to do my Masters Degree as I am not allowed to work independently and he micromanages everything b) that he will probably fail at this job as he isn't as experienced as he thinks and I can sit back and laugh c) I can disconnect from my job and leave it at work where it belongs and concentrate on getting better. C is hard for me as I've been 'entrenched' in a small town for the past year where my whole life has been my job which was exhausting but a great way to distract myself from being depressed. Basically I am going to swallow my pride and let him fail at his job - or maybe he will thrive in it and I will just get a two years experience on my CV in PR, all my debt paid off, a Masters Degree and hopefully finish my manuscript. I will not let this douche get me down. He is just one of many people in my life who I've met who underestimate or belittle me - funnily enough they're always middle aged men who have peaked in life - I get the feeling I intimate them because I'm a attractive, independent, intelligent woman (at least in the work I am). I will rise above the bad people who think they're better because the truth is they're not.

Friday 3 August 2012

More mistakes

Everything I have done this week has been wrong. I am such a fuckup. Paul says I need to breath and do one thing at a time. But my mind keeps racing ahead so am using mediation to try and calm me. I am officially slated for therapy again, heading to the doctor to get assessed then off to the shrink to try and fix me. I have been to a councilor a few times in my small town but she was crap. My last shrink I saw for two years and he was really good. But it takes a long time to trust and open up for me and at 175 dollars a pop it is a rather expensive endeavour. But Paul is going to help with some of the money if I am short and need to get to the shink. I know right now I need it to be fairly intensive like twice a month and hopefully as I move on I will only have to go once a month then once every few months. The therapy thing is hard, finding someone good is hard, opening up to them is even harder and then trying to heal is the hardest. The healing process generally is pull up deeply repressed issues, make me have a breakdown then a realization then start to heal - I hate this process as I have gone through it so many times yet I still stand here crazy as hell. I wish there was a magic pill to fix me.