Sunday, 25 November 2012
Everything is Spinning, faster and faster, everything is bluring, running together
A million things are happening and I can’t make it stop. I am fighting to stay alive and be good enough for everyone but I am failing. I just want to disappear but I can’t because I have to be who everyone else seems to think I am. I thought I was through pretending but I am doing it again because apparently who I am is not acceptable. My boss literally told me this in a scathing performance review which attacked me personally as well as professional. I am still at the job just working hard, saving money and swearing to God I am going to work for myself as there are too many old psychopaths in office jobs. Paul keeps attacking me, telling me to shut up when we’re out, telling me I am not an adult because I leave dishes overnight and decide I want to eat cereal for dinner, for forgetting to put meat out to defrost etc. I am faking it so much, I hate it – I was actually happy to just put my head down and work but no life is telling me to be social – hell even my shrink is telling me to be social. Maybe I don’t like people because they’re horrible and fake – I can’t feel comfortable around anyone anymore. It sucks.