Thursday, 27 December 2012
Merry Christmas You're Dumped
My last post was pretty much a summary of the past two months, Paul and I growing distant, me working then just going numb eating, drinking and watching TV. Crawling deeper and deeper into a hole. I thought we just needed a holiday - but then Paul was still distant and then boxing day morning he comes upstairs as I had just woken up and he cried that he couldn't do it anymore that I wasn't making him happy and he didn't want me to resent him for keeping me here. We'd adopted a puppy just as our troubles began now I can't look at the dog without bawling my eyes out. I am now moving to a little flat and saving my money whilst applying for overseas jobs. I have a friend in China who can get me an english teaching gig but it takes time and money to organise. My heart is so broken - I honestly thought it was just a rough patch and that Paul and I would get married, have children, live in an old country house and grow old together. All of those dreams have gone. I wanted Paul's beautiful blonde children, I wanted to be his wife and to be part of his family. I am grieving for the loss of that future. We are still on speaking terms, we love each other so much that we both just want the other one to be happy and right now for either of us to be happy that means we're separating. Suddenly my new years plans have gone from spending an evening with Paul to spending it at a party without him by my side. All I keep thinking is about everything I will miss, like how he laughs, how we talk about everything, how he loves the dog as much as I do. I am grieving the life I thought we'd have together but I am excited for the new life I am going to forge on my own, I'd be lying if I said I was completely happy here. Honestly Paul was all that was holding me here and now he has set me free I can do all the great things I planned on doing and one day settle down with someone. Part of me wishes that would be Paul and that we're going to be one of those couples that seperates then realizes we were destined for each other all along but I refuse to think about that dream - because I know Paul will move on quickly - he is just the type of person that does that. He'd only been single a few months from an 18 month relationship before he swept me off my feet. I cry a lot. I want to be held by him, to let him comfort me but we promised we wouldn't. We're being strong for each other. I honestly believe I will always know Paul, miss him but in the end he is going to turn out just like his parents, his grandparents and the rest of his family - a staple of this country town who will be very successful here but will never leave. I just wish I could have been part of that future with him but I know in my heart I would be betraying my dreams and he knows that too. One day I will return (still have friends and family here) and we will look at each other and know we did the right thing. The thing I am going to miss the most is just being part of his wonderful life - he was the person who dragged me to social occasions even though I didn't want to go but he made it okay. Now I have to do it all on my own again.