Wednesday 27 February 2013

dear paul p3

Hi Paul, seeing as you may be reading this blog let me describe how I am feeling after resigning my job. I am so scared I am going to end up poor and hungry again like I was as a kid. I am also missing the intimacy we shared like crazy as I never had anyone hug or care for me ever. I have been ignoring this need and going into shutdown mode where I walk around like a zombie and not care because of how much I am hurting from losing you and from the frustration of being bullied by my boss. except today I had a teary at ork because I saw a stupid meme on facebook about 'wanting to sleep in his arms all night' and I lost it. Because all I want is everything to be okay. But its going to take time.

Wednesday 20 February 2013

Dear Paul prt 2

How dare you call yourself superior to me? Especially when I just lost my fucking job. You are an insensitive prick who thinks he is god because he is a fourth generation country bumpkin and therefore everyone knows him in this town. Wanna know something? You are nothing but a big fish in a small pond. You keep telling me I'm such a horrible listener but I don't need to listen to you. You will never find anyone who makes you happy because you're so up yourself you can't see your own flaws - that you think you're ALWAYS right, that you're so smart and that you're just this amazing person. And you can be an amazing person but you're unbelievablely self involved - it is always about what YOUR doing, not what I was going through. I made a choice around 8 months ago to come here and be with you. I don't regret it because now I know what a relationship feels like. We had a real one for a while but you've gone off your rocker because you do that to ALL of your girlfriends. Surprisingly, none of them seem to want to admit you exist. But I'm not them, I'll still be polite and talk to you but I am never letting you hurt me again. You're not the guy for me. Thank god. Because the idea of living here and having your babies just makes me sick/laugh and cry all at the same time.

Monday 18 February 2013

Rock Bottom

I am about to hit rock bottom as I have just been told I am most likely to lose my job. I cried for a bit, then realised I was crying about failing at a job I hated. And then I stopped, got back to work and thought about my plans for China. I need to be in the country until May but I could possibly get the dole or ausstudy as I can study full time. Or I can go live out at a pub in the middle of nowhere as I know the owner. This is an opportunity - I am never taking a job like this again, I will only do a job I really want and not just for the money.

Sunday 17 February 2013

Baggage

There is a scene in HBO TV Series Girls where Hannah and shoshanna discuss what their 'baggage' would be for the tv show (google it if you're not aware of it_ and it got me thinking about what my own baggage is: Little Piece: I judge people who have children young unfairly. Medium Piece: I pick my nose and eat it Large Piece: I was raped when I was 18 by a friend's ex boyfriend.

Tuesday 12 February 2013

To my boss

Please stop acting like a sexist pig. You derogatory comments to myself and another journalist about girls not understanding money was rude and downright inappropriate. I am not your Secretary or PA, it is not my responsibility to answer tour phones, get you coffee and clean your office. You are a disgusting pig who thinks you are hot shit because you have lived here for sixty years and got this job only because they were desperate. You do not do your job correctly and cannot communicate or supervise at all. Everday it takes all my strength not to punch you in the face. You are everything that is wrong with the baby boomer generation. The day I am able to quit this job (four months and counting) is the day I will weep with joy.