Chasing Black Dogs
The truth behind the day to day struggle of recovering from depression.
Monday 8 April 2013
Fuck You
2nd last day of work. Boss is being extremely nasty to me. Am trying not to cry. All I want to do is shout at him what a total idiot he is and everyone knows it. But I am taking the high road and not playing his games nor buying into his negative old fashioned sexist attitude. I am young, intelligent and have the whole world at my feet, he is nothing but a blimp on the radar of my life. I had a crappy boss once before and I never think about him now. I just need to survive for another day then I am free.
Monday 1 April 2013
Oh the Places You'll Go
Months ago, just before we broke up, Paul bought me a book - Oh the Places you'll go by Dr Seuss. It inspires me and I read it every time I get bogged down in life.
Oh The Place's You'll Go
Dr Seuss
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.
OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.
You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.
You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.
I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
Sunday 3 March 2013
the list
I have been very down lately due to my job stressing me out. I just moved into an office with my boss and its hell. I am also struggling with lessons plans for my tefl so I asked Paul who did teaching at uni. He did help but then we had sex. I honestly enjoyed it but I shouldnt use him to make myself feel better. but I have been using the list of things I am looking forward to, to make myself feel positive.
The list:
never seeing or hearing my boss again
being able to look nice in a bikini
travelling to china
not having to deal with questions about Paul
finishing my manuscript
finishing my masters
having the chance to have a fresh start
Wednesday 27 February 2013
dear paul p3
Hi Paul,
seeing as you may be reading this blog let me describe how I am feeling after resigning my job. I am so scared I am going to end up poor and hungry again like I was as a kid. I am also missing the intimacy we shared like crazy as I never had anyone hug or care for me ever. I have been ignoring this need and going into shutdown mode where I walk around like a zombie and not care because of how much I am hurting from losing you and from the frustration of being bullied by my boss. except today I had a teary at ork because I saw a stupid meme on facebook about 'wanting to sleep in his arms all night' and I lost it. Because all I want is everything to be okay. But its going to take time.
Wednesday 20 February 2013
Dear Paul prt 2
How dare you call yourself superior to me? Especially when I just lost my fucking job. You are an insensitive prick who thinks he is god because he is a fourth generation country bumpkin and therefore everyone knows him in this town. Wanna know something? You are nothing but a big fish in a small pond. You keep telling me I'm such a horrible listener but I don't need to listen to you. You will never find anyone who makes you happy because you're so up yourself you can't see your own flaws - that you think you're ALWAYS right, that you're so smart and that you're just this amazing person. And you can be an amazing person but you're unbelievablely self involved - it is always about what YOUR doing, not what I was going through. I made a choice around 8 months ago to come here and be with you. I don't regret it because now I know what a relationship feels like. We had a real one for a while but you've gone off your rocker because you do that to ALL of your girlfriends. Surprisingly, none of them seem to want to admit you exist. But I'm not them, I'll still be polite and talk to you but I am never letting you hurt me again. You're not the guy for me. Thank god. Because the idea of living here and having your babies just makes me sick/laugh and cry all at the same time.
Monday 18 February 2013
Rock Bottom
I am about to hit rock bottom as I have just been told I am most likely to lose my job. I cried for a bit, then realised I was crying about failing at a job I hated. And then I stopped, got back to work and thought about my plans for China. I need to be in the country until May but I could possibly get the dole or ausstudy as I can study full time. Or I can go live out at a pub in the middle of nowhere as I know the owner. This is an opportunity - I am never taking a job like this again, I will only do a job I really want and not just for the money.
Sunday 17 February 2013
Baggage
There is a scene in HBO TV Series Girls where Hannah and shoshanna discuss what their 'baggage' would be for the tv show (google it if you're not aware of it_ and it got me thinking about what my own baggage is:
Little Piece: I judge people who have children young unfairly.
Medium Piece: I pick my nose and eat it
Large Piece: I was raped when I was 18 by a friend's ex boyfriend.
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