Sunday, 22 July 2012
I just fucked up everything
I am in hiding right now but I want to write this down so I have a record in case I do completely fall apart. Last time I wrote I said I was struggling with adjusting to living with Paul and trying to restart my life again. On Saturday I went to a wedding, it was beautiful with lots of friends and family surrounding the bride. The ceremony hit me so badly because I will NEVER get that. My family are horrible, I ditched my lousy friends and now I am alone. So in between the ceremony and the reception I drank a cask of vodka and cranberry to make the pain go away. It didn't work well. I got hammered, don't remember the night at all but from what Paul told me I got so upset that he took me back to the motel where I decided I wanted to die and he called the ambulance. I spent the night in lockdown at the psych ward. Most of it I don't remember but I woke up, still drunk, talked to a shrink then sat and slept and chatted with a lady who could hear God (she honestly was lovely, God was telling her to help people so I don't think that's crazy but what do I know). They were going to release me at about 5 in the morning except I had no phone numbers and no money on me. Paul had handed them my meds and my ID and went back to the wedding. I don't blame him as the paramedics told him to. So now I am in hiding, wanting to run away as I have screwed up my life. People have worked out I am a screw up and a horrible person so I want to leave. Paul won't let me, he wants to get me help. His friends want to help me. I don't really believe it. I keep trying to reinvent myself as a normal person but I can't do it. Maybe I am fucked up permanently and no amount of therapy, drugs or love can save me.