Friday, 3 August 2012
Everything I have done this week has been wrong. I am such a fuckup. Paul says I need to breath and do one thing at a time. But my mind keeps racing ahead so am using mediation to try and calm me. I am officially slated for therapy again, heading to the doctor to get assessed then off to the shrink to try and fix me. I have been to a councilor a few times in my small town but she was crap. My last shrink I saw for two years and he was really good. But it takes a long time to trust and open up for me and at 175 dollars a pop it is a rather expensive endeavour. But Paul is going to help with some of the money if I am short and need to get to the shink. I know right now I need it to be fairly intensive like twice a month and hopefully as I move on I will only have to go once a month then once every few months. The therapy thing is hard, finding someone good is hard, opening up to them is even harder and then trying to heal is the hardest. The healing process generally is pull up deeply repressed issues, make me have a breakdown then a realization then start to heal - I hate this process as I have gone through it so many times yet I still stand here crazy as hell. I wish there was a magic pill to fix me.